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‘Squabble and Peace’ Doesn’t Have the Same Ring
President Trump on Tuesday minimized the present commerce conflict with China, referring to the conflict as a “little squabble.” Late night time joked that Trump certainly wasn’t clear on the which means of the phrase.
“[Impersonating Trump] We’ve had heaps of squabbles all through historical past. We had World Squabble I, World Squabble II.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
”[As Trump] I really like squabble! When I play squabble, I spell all one of the best phrases.” — JIMMY FALLON
Colbert additionally discovered it hilarious that Trump mentioned he hoped China would “continue to buy our farm product.”
“Did he say ‘farm product?’ I’m undecided he is aware of what grows on farms. [As Trump ] ‘You know, farm product. Amber waves of the brown grass stuff, the noncarbonated white cow cola, and the green thing you take off the burger.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Biden Anticipates a Republican Epiphany
While campaigning in New Hampshire on Tuesday, Joe Biden talked of plans for a post-Trump White House. He predicted “an epiphany” amongst many of his Republicans pals. Seth Meyers devoted a phase that he calls “Hey!” to Biden’s statements.
“Hey, Joe — you think Republicans are suddenly going to change their tune and start working with Democrats? Were you asleep during the Obama years? Oh, wait, you were.” — SETH MEYERS
“Hey, Joe — I appreciate that you want a normal government that gets things done in a bipartisan fashion. I think most people do. But right now the government is like a pizzeria where half of the employees think there should be more toppings, and the other half doesn’t think pizza is real.” — SETH MEYERS
The Punchiest Punchlines (Taxed Items Edition)
“Yesterday, China retaliated with tariffs on $60 billion of American products, including beer, wine and swimsuits, explaining the new MTV show ‘Spring Break Shanghai: Sober and Naked.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“To stop paying tariffs, all you have to do is stop using products made in China. That’s going to be awkward for Trump. He’s going to have to stop using his own ties and his hair, I’m guessing.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“I read that China already raised tariffs on wine, hair gel, swimsuits and condoms. That might not affect you, but it’s going to cripple the ‘Bachelor’ mansion.” — JIMMY FALLON
The Bits Worth Watching
After years of parodying Keith Morrison on “Saturday Night Live,” Bill Hader lastly met the enduring “Dateline” host whereas selling his sequence “Barry.” Hader shared the information and a few pics whereas chatting with Meyers on Tuesday night time.